Woman Discovers What Kind of Chair She Is
By Janine Crowley Haynes
Ah…spring is finally here, but there’s no denying it was one heck of a cold and lonely winter. However, with the help of social media, I survived. Uploading TGIF photos of my dog wearing a Hawaiian lei propped up by a pink mai tai helped to temper my cabin fever. Also, I took up coloring again…as in…coloring in a coloring book. It’s only the first paragraph, so please don’t judge me quite yet.
I know I was not alone in my innocuous endeavors to maintain sanity. Last winter, I noticed a strong uptick of social media postings of crazy cat videos and unlikely interspecies alliances. The Youtube video of the cockatoo feeding individual strands of spaghetti to his canine companion is, not only adorbs, but a metaphorical template for ending world hunger. Also, tagging and sharing anything wine-related was considered a lifesaving ritual that friends did for one another. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy wine was more than just a platitude; it was a public service announcement for the online adult community. I discovered that the Roman god of wine, Bacchus, is alive, well, and on the internet engineering kitchen faucets flowing with fruity, full-bodied pinot noirs. Now there’s a jobs program. We can build it. We have the technology. Let’s get to work, America.
But nothing kept away my winter blues quite like sipping and clicking. That is, sipping hot cocoa and clicking on the latest online quiz. My index finger robotically clicked on teasers like Let’s Play! and Take this Quiz!.…I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to know what kind of dog they’d be? Most of my friends are golden retrievers and German shepherds. I happen to be a husky, playful but tends to disappear for days at a time. Days is an understatement–I disappeared for an entire winter. I burrowed beneath the frozen layers of snow and nestled warmly in the cyber bosom of self-discovery. I suckled on the teet of BuzzFeed and PlayBuzz quizzes till my belly was full and my mind ripe with fantastical notions of who I really am.
Who knew the definition of an alternative lifestyle could be extended to life as an inanimate object? Isn’t everyone just the slightest bit curious about what piece of furniture they’d be? I’m an upholstered wingback armchair. Translation: I’m comfortably sophisticated and often found next to fireplaces. This is how I project myself in the world. It pleases me to know I’m not a beer-stained barcalounger with mystery meat rotting beneath my cushions, begging the question, “Dude, what’s that smell?” Ahem…FYI, I’ve been tested and actually smell like lavender which makes people feel relaxed in my presence. This is consistent with my purple aura results. Defining myself by my hue is not shallow–it’s cool and pairs nicely with my hippie name, Blossom, and my musical note, G.
Interestingly, from the countless hours of quiz taking, a pattern definetely emerged. A pattern of relaxed sophistication, and I’m comfortable with that label. Speaking of labels, PlayBuzz told me if I were a suit, I’d be Jennifer Aniston’s Gucci scarlet red tuxedo–shirt optional. This is serendipitous because I also got Rachel in Which Friends Character Are You? quiz…and…and…I scored Bradley Cooper as a celebrity husband, who was Jen’s onscreen hubby in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You….Crazy, right? Not me, silly, my results. Coincidence? I think not. Jen and I are practically twins.
Sure, I could’ve spent the winter baking decadent red velvet cupcakes, which PlayBuzz reveals is my confectionery makeup, but nothing fed my soul quite like esteem-building scrumptious morsels of self-discovery. The brilliance of these quizzes is that you can never really be wrong, only alike or unalike from your friends’ results. For example, invisibility and flying–both awesome superpowers, just different. Cinderella and Elsa–equally respectable Disney princesses, just different journeys.
So, I’d say this winter, albeit long, was kind of a productive cerebral season for me. I’ve come away with plenty of insights, at least, enough to write this bizarro essay. Now that it’s spring, I can head back into the woods for my daily walks fully aware of what kind of woodland creature I’d be. After reading this, you might be thinking I’m a real piece of work, and you’d be correct. I happen to be the famous painting At the Moulin Rouge because, like Toulouse-Lautrec, I seek out alternative crowds and, apparently, alternative thinking. What piece of work are you? Go to PlayBuzz and take the quiz!
Janine Crowley Haynes is the author of My Kind of Crazy–Living in a Bipolar World.